Death

I’ve been through some really strange emotions over the last few days.  Not one of the emotions that I have experienced is even my own.  I am feeling way too much from way too many people, and I feel I need to blog about it here.  First, I would like to warn anybody reading this particular post that this story is not necessarily g-rated or for the faint of heart.

So, on Saturday I got the sudden urge to clean my apartment because there was a moldy smell everywhere.  I scrubbed and scrubbed for hours hoping to find the source.  As I was finishing up one of my neighbor’s brothers came over and asked us if we had seen him.  I had not seen him since Wednesday and I told him that.  Soon we all came to realize that nobody has seen or heard from him in several days.  After much adieu the brother entered the apartment by force.  As soon as the door was opened I was greeted with the smell of death.  I have to admit that this was my first experience with death in my 32 years of being on this planet, and I don’t think that I will ever get that smell out of my nose.

Naturally the emergency services were dispatched to the apartment.  First there were paramedics and firemen.  Then came the police department.  And finally the coroner came to verify that our old friend and neighbor was deceased.  Everybody was crushed by the sudden shock.  The death has been ruled a suicide.  The funeral home came for the body and left a flock of broken-hearted, grieving family members on the front step. 

The next morning the widow allowed us to go into the apartment.  It is well-known by those who know me that I am extremely empathic and my presence was requested.  I entered the apartment with two other women who are also empathic.  Upon entering the bedroom I was greeted once again with the smell of death.  Much to my surprise and to my horror I was faced with the reality of death painted in blood across the bedroom.  It was by far the most gruesome encounter that I have ever encountered in my life.  The entire bed was covered in blood.  Brain matter was on the bed, under the quilt and on the floor.  As I walked around the room I was filled with so much raw emotion.  I felt the fear that raced through him in his final moments.  I felt sadness and anger.  I left that room wondering if this was really a suicide or if it was a murder.  The coroner has already made his ruling, so there is not really all that much to debate.  I just find myself more and more curious.  I wonder what is to become of his seven children and the woman he was engaged to.  I wonder why a man with so much life around him would commit suicide.  I wonder why nobody had any idea that he was going to do this.  This entire ordeal has also made me face my own mortality.  He was the same age as myself: 32 years old.

Our children played together.  We spoke every day for months.  He was good to my kids-even my special needs child that most people discount or exclude.  Not him-he was always playing with him.  And now he’s gone and I have to watch my children grieve for him.  The entire apartment complex is grieving in their own right, and I am picking up every single emotion that comes this way.  There has been a candlelight vigil going on in front of the apartment since Sunday morning.  I have absolutely no problem with that but it’s killing me.  I don’t even know what it is that I feel because I’m feeling everything from everybody.  I feel so dizzy and overwhelmed and drained.

The bottom line here is that life is unpredictable and downright painful at times.  We have to take the bad with good and go with the flow sometimes.  We all hit rough patches emotionally, but if we persevere we most often find ourselves blessed.  Through the darkest moments of our lives we find our own inner light.  In a world full of hate I vow to give it love.  Brightest blessings to all of the friends and family that are affected by this. 

 

P.S. If you would like to donate to the funeral, you can do so here.  If you’re unable to help at least keep a kind thought or prayer for the family.